Picking myself

I have spent the last few weeks trying to capture my state of mind in this blog post. Until today, the next 'thing to do' has always been assigned to me. While I rejected the obviously bad things to do, my approach was to default try stuff out and reject. I rarely questioned if the next 'thing to do' was optimal, only if it was good enough. Now that I have to pick for myself, I can see that it is hard and I am scared.

• Childhood: Do activity or task X. In my case some tabla, swimming, badminton, art (yes the painting, sketching, and drawing kind), some public speaking, a sprinkle of gymnastics
• Teenage years: Get into a good college. Cool, lets do that then. I must admit I enjoyed the process of learning and problem solving, particularly the hard ones.
• College: Get a good job! This was the first goal that society / community narratives pushed on me, not my parents. They mostly stopped assigning goals to me after I turned 18. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for them. Which is why society / community narratives stepped in and filled the void. I, of course, having never picked a goal for myself, rationalized the narrative and then accepted it. I'm not saying the outcome was good or bad -- that doesn't matter. What matters is how the direction was picked.
• Early career: Do an MBA! Again, another goal pushed on me by society / community narratives
• Mid career: Consulting + strategy roles. Again, a goal pushed on me by society / community narratives. This was a tough 3 years and I learnt a lot and I came out a different thinker to what I was before I went in.
• Now: For the first time, I am left wondering what direction I pick? Am I even the right person to pick for myself? Do I want to be "retired" for a few years? Write a book? Build something of my own? Learn a completely new domain or set of skills? Unclear.